vicariously chris

Saturday morning was very emotional. I felt compelled to not sugarcoat the incident and try to convey the sadness and frustration that Chris is experiencing.
His world is upside down and inside out.

I know that there are going to be mood swings and good days and bad days, but this morning, the enormity of the situation was overwhelming...and he was letting it out. You feel so useless standing there holding his hand and uttering those cliched positive phrases.

On one level you appreciate that he is cognizant of his predicament but you can't help but be angry/frustrated/saddened by the gut wrenching anguish of the WHY WHY WHY???

Chris is now in a room directly across from the Nursing Station and his window view is gone..he commented last week on how he wanted a change in scenery.

I just thought of this now..Chris has seen about 6 or 7 room mates come and go so in his mind he probably feels like everybody else is getting better and getting out! He was very interested in the 3 other patients in his ward room..he kept remarking on how they would get out before him.


What Chris really wants is to get out of the hospital. He's been there for 5 weeks now and I think that his appreciation of his progress is being overshadowed by his feeling of imprisonment.

He still has some confusion about the here & now but the single most consistent aggravation is his feeling of being trapped.

This week the Family is hopefully getting an overview of his condition and some semblence of which factors are delaying his advancing into a rehab facility. If Chris could get out of there it would definitely lift his spirits and he could feel like he is making some real progress.

Chris kept asking me "What do they want me to do?"..with regards to getting out of there...and I told him what everyone else is saying...be positive and look ahead, work at rehab (Chris said he always does more than they ask :)...and that other people have come back from the same place..so it's not impossible. Easy for me to utter. I'm not lying there trying to unwravel my universe with damaged pathways!

I told the visiting Neurologist (in the hallway out of earshot) that part of the reason that this "patient" is distraught has to do with the fact that he was especially meticulous at gathering information.

Not only was he a professional reporter, but on a personal level, Chris was preternaturally attentive..he zoned in on what the other person was saying.
He listened..I know that a few fellow reporters are reading this but I'm sure that you can appreciate what I'm trying to say. Most of us 'pedestrians' aren't quite as careful about listening..plus I should add a special disclaimer for Chris because my wife always noticed that for a "male" Chris was exceptionally accomplished at listening to what she was really saying :)

So for a hardcore info collector and analyzer this fuzzy state of existence is completely unacceptable. I personally think that Chris is far more frustrated than an average person because he had such high functioning information gathering habits and talents. So I completely understand why he is so f*cking mad!


I am really hoping that this week, a few more synaptic pathways open up and that Chris will start to recognise himself a little more..gain a little more confidence in his recovery and abilities. If he can start to feel a little more control over his circumstance then he can build on that.