Saturday, June 20, 2009

Saturday morning was very emotional. I felt compelled to not sugarcoat the incident and try to convey the sadness and frustration that Chris is experiencing.
His world is upside down and inside out.

I know that there are going to be mood swings and good days and bad days, but this morning, the enormity of the situation was overwhelming...and he was letting it out. You feel so useless standing there holding his hand and uttering those cliched positive phrases.

On one level you appreciate that he is cognizant of his predicament but you can't help but be angry/frustrated/saddened by the gut wrenching anguish of the WHY WHY WHY???

Chris is now in a room directly across from the Nursing Station and his window view is gone..he commented last week on how he wanted a change in scenery.

I just thought of this now..Chris has seen about 6 or 7 room mates come and go so in his mind he probably feels like everybody else is getting better and getting out! He was very interested in the 3 other patients in his ward room..he kept remarking on how they would get out before him.

What Chris really wants is to get out of the hospital. He's been there for 5 weeks now and I think that his appreciation of his progress is being overshadowed by his feeling of imprisonment.

He still has some confusion about the here & now but the single most consistent aggravation is his feeling of being trapped.

This week the Family is hopefully getting an overview of his condition and some semblence of which factors are delaying his advancing into a rehab facility. If Chris could get out of there it would definitely lift his spirits and he could feel like he is making some real progress.

Chris kept asking me "What do they want me to do?"..with regards to getting out of there...and I told him what everyone else is positive and look ahead, work at rehab (Chris said he always does more than they ask :)...and that other people have come back from the same it's not impossible. Easy for me to utter. I'm not lying there trying to unwravel my universe with damaged pathways!

I told the visiting Neurologist (in the hallway out of earshot) that part of the reason that this "patient" is distraught has to do with the fact that he was especially meticulous at gathering information.

Not only was he a professional reporter, but on a personal level, Chris was preternaturally attentive..he zoned in on what the other person was saying.

He listened..I know that a few fellow reporters are reading this but I'm sure that you can appreciate what I'm trying to say. Most of us 'pedestrians' aren't quite as careful about I should add a special disclaimer for Chris because my wife always noticed that for a "male" Chris was exceptionally accomplished at listening to what she was really saying :)

So for a hardcore info collector and analyzer this fuzzy state of existence is completely unacceptable. I personally think that Chris is far more frustrated than an average person because he had such high functioning information gathering habits and talents. So I completely understand why he is so f*cking mad!

I am really hoping that this week, a few more synaptic pathways open up and that Chris will start to recognise himself a little more..gain a little more confidence in his recovery and abilities. If he can start to feel a little more control over his circumstance then he can build on that.


mistipurple said...

this is definitely frustrating for chris. only a person in his shoes can totally empathise. this is a crucial period too for his body to stabilise. very emotionally draining for everyone and especially for chris himself. i wish him a speedy recovery.

anna said...

My heart is aching for him. I remember how frustrated and angry my father was when he had his stroke. It was the second time in my life I had seen my father cry (the first time was when his mother passed away). His circumstances were different and he ended up in the hospital for close to six months before he was transferred to a rehab facility.

Intense sadness is very common for stroke patients. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but keep in mind that his thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal.

I wish I had some helpful advice. All I can say is keep reminding him of the progress he HAS made - and he's made a lot of it. Your support means everything to him; I'm sure of that. Having someone there to whom he knows he can shout out the WHYs is making a world of difference to him. I'm glad he doesn't have to hold all of that emotion in.

Stay strong, Donn... he needs your strength.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I sdo not know what to say. I know I am praying and wishing everyday for Chris to become stronger and stronger so that he can come home. I can sense from your writing Donn the great frustration that he has and it leaves me asking, "What can I do?" I guess I can only send my love and prayers, adding in my support for this beautiful man.

Donn, Anna is right. Your strength is also Chris'. His family and you are his world. Everyone is very lucky.

Softest love to you Chris and Donn,

Cazzie!!! said...

Your last paragraph hit the nail on the head, now, it is up to Chris' "self" (you stated himself..yes it is his self) that will make all the difference. Focus, small positives will get him through.
Some patients get out and go to rehab prematurely, so Chris stating on a bit longer will assure him that he is ready to go..when his "self" lets it happen.
Huggs to you all Donn..from Down Under.

eroswings said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with such a difficult situation. Some days will be harder than others. But we're all human, and we all do the best we can. I wish I could do something more to help WW feel better.

Right now, all I can do is think of him, and wish him a Happy Fathers Day, because he's a good dad, and he needs to know that he has friends who care about him and wish him the very best.

Laurie said...

It's hard to fathom the depth of frustration Chris must feel at his inability to get the h*ll out of there. But as you have often said, he's a strong and very determined man, so I have no doubt he will make an outstanding recovery.

Thanks for your updates, Donn. I truly believe that Chis will understand why you started this blog...after all, although most of his readers have not met him in person, we still love him and he knows that.

andrea said...

I so understand how hard it must be for him. You can tell from his blogging and blog comments alone how attentive he is to detail and people and well ... everything. One foot in front of the other Chris...

Sienna said...

Thoughts are with you all.
Also wanting to reiterate Anna's is one hell of a journey.

We did the same thing, (kept a diary of everything).

Know that there is so much love and support for Chris, his family, his friends...especially through the frustration, exasparation...what seems like eternity, poor sleep, lack of control over your own life and choices...

Lots and lots of love and support and strength to get through the testing times stuff.


KAZ said...

Donn - you are doing a great job.
Chris may hate you at first for disclosing - but he will be delighted later - don't stop!

angel said...

Oh how I wish I could suggest something to make him feel better!
If they tell him more about what's going on will that not help him? If his treatment team tell him exactly whats going on and when and how...?
Strongs Chris!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to say something positive and all this, but can't think about something that would not sound like another phrase. I think he'll go through this, and keep it in memory. It is an absolute frustrating experience when you have to stay at a place you do not want to stay, when you can not use the tool you relied on for all your life, your brain, to the full ... there must be a lot of uncertainty. I hope he'll come home in near future.

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